I know I'm not alone when I say that in so many areas of life, I feel like I take two steps forward, one step back.
Some things are little, some are big.
A small thing? Cleaning the house. I've realized that it actually takes less than 1/2 day for everything I've done to become undone. A few weeks ago, my mom was over, and I had everything really clean before she arrived. We had tea while John slept, and the girls were at school. She stayed the rest of the afternoon, and then my dad came later, and we all had dinner. After we finished eating, mom looked around, and said "Wow, everything was so nice and clean earlier!" Uh, yeah. It was.
Other things are less tangible. I think about where I'd like to see myself one day. How I'd like to grow spiritually. What areas of my heart I want to be changed. And so I make different goals, and set out to see what happens. I start prayer journals, and Bible studies.
And then you know what happens? LIFE. Life happens. Sometime I don't finish the study because I've spent days on end with sick kids. Or was working nonstop. Or I was just lazy. Somtimes life is difficult, or people are hurtful. And upon closer inspection, I realize that my heart is still carrying the burden of unforgiveness. And then I'm so disappointed with myself and my progress. I even wonder once in a while if the little bits of progress I do make even matter. Does God even notice?
Oh, how many times I've envisioned the Godly woman that I want Him to make me. And for every time I've envisioned her, I've wished that He would just make it happen NOW!
But I read something written by Beth Moore this week in my Bible study that has given me such encouragement and peace about my journey.
"I don't stand over my children impatiently and wish they were suddenly grown. I celebrate every step they take. Why do we think our Heavenly Father, who designed our bodies, souls, and spirits to operate just as they do, would be any different? No, God doesn't enjoy a child's stubborn unwillingness to grow up any more than I'd enjoy my kids still crawling at six years of age. But I am convinced God thoroughly relishes every hint of maturity even if we feel as if we're not making progress."
Sigh. That was just what I needed to hear. If it's enough for God to notice, then it's enough for me, too.